Ok, this is from a mail that a friend sent me but it is so funny:
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

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Ok, today I really reached the turning point. I have been finally push to the point where this asshole doesn’t even make me laugh any more. I am sick at the sight of him. The morons in America who helped “elect” him as the leader of our country. Wake up America!!! He is not there for you. I am specifically talking about the poor and down trodden. He has no feeling for you. He is not a cowboy or a good ol’boy.

He was born in New Haven, Connecticut!!! He is not from the back woods. He father was not a poor sharecropper who got buy on selling what little he could. He father was the Head of the CIA, the Vice President of the United States and the President. You all have been duped into thinking that this moron is one of you. The “You” I am referring to is the religious “right” I couldn’t give a shit about your God and you know what he doesn’t give a shit about you either. I guess I saw a picture today of a child who was killed in the “War” in Iraq. He was about my son’s age. Meanwhile our Commander and Shit-head can’t even open a door. Where does a guy with no military experience get off running our country. I am so disappointed in what this great country has become. We are in a War that no one wants. The man has driven every company that he has ever run into the ground. If America is the largest corporation in the world then look out!! Oh, we are already there. If we were a company we would be bankrupt. Oh, wait we are bankrupt.

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Basically, the description is to know everything about computers, business, training, programming and hardware support and do everything, including forecast 5-15 years into the future. Should have at least completed grade school equivalency. Have 10 years or more network experience with 20+ years of computer experience. Needs CNE certification. Be willing to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Must be willing to work for starvation wages and feel privileged to be able to work with all of the equipment. Must be trustworthy, honest, kind and above all thrifty. Must understand overtime is a luxury “we can not afford.” Should be able to write 30 pages of documentation for every 10 minutes of installation work (spending no more than 10 minutes doing this documentation). Requires an even temperament, realizing that the LAN Manager is a servant to all, master of none. Should be able to learn any software package in 10 minutes, so as to perform a one day training seminar scheduled for NOW. Must be willing to work in a converted closet with no windows or ventilation. Must be willing to wear a beeper to the bathroom. Must commit to giving a minimum of one year’s notice before leaving.

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I think this pictures pretty much sums up the state of Bush right now. And here are the latest headlines… Some See Off-Year Races As Test for GOP Democrats Don’t Want Libby to Be Pardoned White House Workers Attend Class on Ethics Bush Declares: ‘We Do Not Torture’ I have more but will have to do it later.

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